Hopeless
by NakanoHana
Summary: "Don't you get it yet, you idiot?" A short oneshot about two clueless boys and how far one will fall before he is saved by the other. Mild swearing, slightly dark. no sex. AkuRoku


"You'll be alright without me, right kid?"

No. No I wouldn't. But I looked into his eyes all the same, smiling with everything I had and hoping to God he wouldn't see past it.

"Sure. I'll be fine." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Larxene picking up a couple boxes of his and hauling them to his old, beat up red car. Moving his stuff to her apartment.

In truth, I felt like the world was ending. _My_ world, at least. My roommate and best friend was leaving me, but he was so much more than that...

It had all started a couple months ago. Axel came home from class one night, and as the door opened with a loud creak, just as it always did, I looked up eagerly, expecting him to come sit down and play video games with me. He was going to kick my ass at Call of Duty 4, or something else like Brawl. It really didn't matter to me. I would put up a fight, but he would always beat me, and I didn't care. I was just so happy to be near him that it never really mattered.

This time, he came home with a drunken hussy on his arm. A nasty, saucy bitch named Larxene who swore like a sailor, smoked and drank worse than he did, and who'd apparently thrown up on his shirt at some point during the night. _Charming._

The first time I saw her, she was wearing my best friend's jacket. The first time I saw her, even through the hazy of alcohol, I saw a dark gleam in her eyes.

It wasn't until later that I found out what it meant.

He started seeing her more often. He started inviting her over with Zexion and Demyx for our movie nights, even letting her sit in his lap sometimes. Sitting beside them, I felt a pain inside that I couldn't escape, and it wasn't just the pain of getting constantly kicked with her stilettos "accidentally." It was a strange pain deep in my heart, and it just kept growing larger.

I never knew it could hurt so much. As I watched him drive away in her car, all his stuff packed in the trunk, I couldn't help but think of all the times we'd spent together. How he had stayed home from class one day and cared for me when I was sick. And that other time, when the two of us went camping in the mountains, with nothing but a tent, a fire, a huge jug of booze, and an endless sky of stars.

All that time, and I never had the courage to tell him. I could never say what I wanted to say, and now he was gone.

Months passed, and I heard from him every now and then. Mostly texts asking me how I was and what I'd been up to. I always replied "fine." Just "fine." I couldn't tell him that, by leaving when and how he did, he'd taken my heart with him. He'd ripped it right outta there and taken it home, only to have Larxene carve it up and serve it in the meat sauce with her crappy, home-made spaghetti.

I wanted to ruin his happiness somehow, but I kept silent. I couldn't let him know what I'd become.

I heard about the parties he went to. All the things that Larxene would drag him to. From how he described things, it sounded like she was cheating on him. Always hanging out with other guys and staying over at their places, coming home half-dressed or in their t-shirts sometimes. I knew Axel deserved better than that, but he seemed so oblivious. Which would hurt more, telling him the truth or letting him stay in the dark? One was painful for him, and the other was hell for me.

I stopped really responding to his messages. I tried to convince myself that this was just a fact of life; that we'd just drifted apart. But it didn't make it any better. I barely left the house except to go to class, and even then, I slowly stopped going to that. To me, it didn't matter whether or not I got a well-paying job or even graduated in the next year or so. It didn't matter what I did anymore. Only Axel had mattered, and now he was gone. I must have looked like such a pathetic loser...

I stopped eating after a while too. I used to use food to soothe the pain, but now it just disgusted me. I was disgusted with how fat I'd become; how much I _needed _food just feel remotely okay. I took to cutting instead, and after a while, I stopped feeling the pain there too. My skin was pale and my bones were brittle; my hair had lost its luster a while ago. There were heavy bags beneath my eyes, which were no longer as blue as they once were. They had faded to a dull, blueish gray, and when I looked in the mirror, I never saw light reflecting in them again. I was broken; hopeless. I could barely even recognize that happy, carefree boy I had once been...

Sora was getting worried about me. He yelled at me whenever he came over, shaking me and yelling; like it was supposed to be in my control. But I had no control. I was consumed with a flaming hatred, both for myself and the man I loved. The man I shouldn't have loved, but I did.

"You need to get out. You look like hell, Roxas!"

And where would I go? My friends were Axel's friends. He was the social butterfly, whereas I was the nerdy shut-in. If I went somewhere with any of them, I might see him, and I didn't think I could bare to see him again. Not now.

"Why haven't you been answering your phone?"

Because it might have been Axel. A lousy excuse, I admit now. My phone was so old, it didn't have caller id, but I'd memorized that number by heart so long ago. _He _wanted me to have it memorized...

"You're grades look terrible! What about grad school?"

Who are you, my mother?...Oh, that's right. My mother left for Vegas when I was ten, ditching me and Sora with our equally dead-beat dad. Sora was the closest thing to a mother I had, sad as it is to say. I don't know why exactly I ever wanted to go to grad school besides to maybe make some more money with a better degree, but my brother was the only one pushing for it now. I didn't see the point in a lot of things now...

One night, he finally got fed up with it and dragged me out of my apartment. He threatened to bathe and dress me himself if I didn't do it, so I caved. I didn't want him to see the marks on my arms; the slashes on my chest and thighs. It would just bring more pointless nagging, so I did as I was told. He put make-up on me, but that didn't hide how pale and ragged I looked. Having done the best job he could with me, Sora took me to a party at Demyx's house; the go-to place for all great parties at KHU.

"Roxas?...What the heck happened to you?" That was how I was greeted at the door. Lights were flashing everywhere, and the music was pumped up way too loud, but I'm sure he could see my ratty self loud and clear, by the way he reacted.

I smiled sheepishly. It was a thin smile.

"Hey, Dem."

He looked at me worriedly. "Is everything alright, man?"

I didn't really want to answer, so I gave him a small, reassuring nod before following Sora into the crowd.

I hide somewhere in the back; somewhere where I don't have to face questions and tell lies. I can't tell them I'm doing alright. They can probably tell just by looking at me. I don't want to have to tell them why...

I found a shot of something sitting on the table. I had no idea what it was, but I took it eagerly in my hand and downed it in an instant. It burned like hell in my throat. Why the hell did people even drink this shit?

And when the hell would it numb my pain? Seemed like the stupid buzz was taking forever to kick in...

"Hey there."

I froze. There was that voice. The very one I'd been dreading. Stupid Sora. I should have known not to come here. I should have run as soon as I broke away from him, in the opposite direction.

I turn slowly, and sure enough there he is. I'd recognize that vibrant red hair any day. From here, I don't know what to do. Should I run? What should I say?

He's dressed in a black, sleeveless top, with a dark green vest that matched his eyes and faded jeans that almost matched mine. Even those were bluer though.

He takes a step towards me and my breath hitches. He pauses.

"Haven't heard from you in a while. What's the deal, kid?"

I shudder as those deep green eyes fall on me. They narrow slightly. I can feel him taking me in, judging me...

"You look like shit." He comes closer, still squinting down at me. He soon gets so close that I'm pressed against the wall. He's pinning me there, before he grabs my left arm. I wince, feeling his fingers digging deep into the cuts. His eyebrow raises.

"Roxas, what's wrong? This isn't like you."

How would you know? And why do you care anyway? My mind supplies the thoughts bitterly, and unconsciously I glare at him, though my eyes are pathetic and dull. How could he say that to me, after all he's put me through?

"I have to go." I pushed away from him, harsher than I intended. It did the job just fine. I was still shaking terribly though.

He blinked at me, his brow creasing with worry. "Why?...Roxas, please. Tell me what's wrong."

I stop, but don't turn to him again. I feel hot tears in my eyes as I mutter, "You should have figured it out by now."

I hear his voice raise slightly, angry. "Is this because I moved? Are you really that childish?"

Me? Childish?...Maybe. It's not like I can't see how I'm acting and who I've become. But I just can't stop. The knife is cutting deeper into my heart. Could he possibly tell Larxene to let up a little? Ground meat doesn't taste _that_ good with spaghetti. Wouldn't my heart taste better whole, as opposed to broken, crushed, and squishy? One giant crowning meatball?

"Hey, Ax!"

Speak of the devil.

The bitch is plastered again, I see. She saunters over to Axel, swaying her hips as ridiculously erotically as possible as she goes, before wrapping her arms around him, sighing into his shirt. Axel's frown is a little harsher now, but at least it isn't directed at me. It's not saying much, though.

"Not now, Larx. I'm talking to someone."

"Whozzat?" she slurs, turning her head towards me. Her eyes narrow a degree, and she lets out a little cackle.

"Why you care bout this liddle blonde bitch anyhow?" She leans up closer to his face and nips at his ear. Right in front of me. "You have me now, remember?"

Axel scowls, trying to push her away. "If I have you, then why'd you fuck Marluxia last weekend?" Ah, so his little paradise _is _crumbling after all. Serves him right, I say. But why do I need to hear about their little lover's spat? It's not like I care...

"Baby, thazz nothin. C'mere." With a final smirk in my direction, she fists his hair harshly and tugs him down for a wet, passionate kiss. She's moaning loudly too, like she just wants to piss me off more.

It worked.

My legs finally remembered how to move. Before Axel could break away and shove her off, I was running to the kitchen and out the door through there. I heard him calling for me, begging me to come back, but I didn't care. I was crying too hard. Besides, he never heard my pleas when I needed him most. Why should I have to indulge any of his?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I ran so far into the woods behind the house that I couldn't remember the way back anymore. It's all dark, except for the silvery moon overhead. The stars were out as well, even with all the light pollution. I could see a few of them up there as I ran.

_"Has anyone ever told you how hopeless you are?"_

_I looked up from the campfire, laughing a little. "Not often. But I kind of guess it sometimes." Looking up at the sky now, I say, "I don't know how people put up with me. It feels like no one would ever miss me if I was gone. Stupid little hopeless me..."_

I tripped somewhere on the uneven ground. I shouldn't have been staring at the sky like that. What a klutz.

"Ow..." I whimpered, looking down at my knee. It's red and irritated, looking like blood would burst forth any minute. Blood...

_Axel's arm wrapped around me and pulled me closer, his other hand ruffling my hair roughly. I laughed, albeit sadder this time. But his was so caring, honest..._

_"You're such an idiot..."_

I threw my head up, shouting as the tears streamed freely down my cheeks.

"You're the idiot, Axel! H-How could you?" How could you leave me? Me, your best friend, for some worthless tramp! I would treat you so much better than her, if you would only let me. I could you show you...how much I love you. But first I need the god damn chance!

It wasn't all his fault, though, I conceded. If I had just had the courage in the first place, I might not have even gotten into this mess. It was all because I couldn't tell him the truth. Ultimately, it was _my_ fault._ I _was the idiot. I always had been...

I shakily pulled the razor blade from my pocket, shifting so that I was sitting with my back against a tree. I looked at the shiny metal in my hand, knowing this had to be the end of it. I was never getting over Axel, and he was never coming back to me. I had no one; nothing left...

"N-No one would even miss me," I sobbed softly, a twisted smile working its way over my face. This was the best for everyone; the best I could do for Axel. As I moved the blade to my wrist, I took a deep breath, wishing him happiness on the path he'd chosen. I wouldn't be there to see it...

"Roxas!"

I gasped as something hard collided with my cheek, stunning me. It stung painfully, even more than my cuts ever did. The razor was wrestled from my shaking hand and tossed somewhere in the nearby bushes. I almost panicked as warm arms folded around me, pulling me close and hugging me so tight I could barely breathe. I saw gleaming red hair in the moonlight, and almost forgot how to.

"What the hell are you doing?" That voice I love so much is shaken, miserable. As much as I love making him pay for the pain he's caused me, that pain could never amount to how I felt now. He was hurting because of me. For once, that cancelled out my problems for the moment. Maybe I'm a masochist after all.

"You were going to kill yourself." He pulled back, and I saw beautiful green eyes that brimmed with tears. They leaked out slightly, running over those two tattoos he had gotten when we were young. The ones that symbolized his sad past, that meant he wouldn't cry anymore...

"Why?"

Breaking further, I clutched him tightly and pressed my head into his shoulder. My voice was a soft whisper, because I knew that after this he would never speak to me again.

"I love you."

The reaction was quicker than I expected. Hands on my shoulders practically yanked me back away from him; those pained eyes began searching mine, fighting to understand what I had just put in front of him.

"What did you say?"

I couldn't take it. Why was he so dense? I'd said it to him right to his face, for god's sake!

I ripped his hands off of me as I cried, "Don't you get it yet, you idiot? I fucking loved you! I loved you, and you left me for her! You took everything away from me, and you don't even get it when I say it to your fucking face!" I pounded the ground with my fist once, turning because I couldn't look at him anymore. As much as his denseness pained me, it almost seemed worse now that the secret was out. Axel had never confided in me that he was gay before, and I'd never told him. He was my best friend, but I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, rooming with a gay guy. He was going to think I was horrible, disgusting...

"I've loved you for so long, and it hurts more every day. I hate it..."

Then, believe it or not, the forest was silent. I didn't see Axel because I was too ashamed and frustrated to look at him, but other than the usual sounds of crickets and owls and the softly whipping winds, there was no sound. A whole minute passed, and I began to squirm a little inside. He hated me now, so why didn't he just leave or insult me? Why wasn't he doing anything?

Then, I heard the sound of grass rustling beside me. Movement. I swallowed nervously and shut my eyes, willing the tears away. Here was the slap I'd been waiting for, or maybe he'd just hand me back the razor, casually saying, "I'll let you get back to that, then."

But he didn't do either of those. I gasped as his cool hands touched my cheeks, firmly taking hold of my face and turning it back in his direction. His expression was serious.

"You mean it, Roxas? You're really in love with me?"

I tried dropping my gaze but he held me firmly. Finally I attempted a small nod. Apparently my water works were still running as well, because he was starting to look a bit hazy again.

"Y-Yes. But it doesn't matter now, does it?" My words were a bit bitter, but I couldn't help it. I winced when he frowned deeply.

"Of course it does, Rox. You'll always matter to me."

I was surprised when he pulled my face forward, touching his forehead to mine as a gentle smile graced his lips. Damn him for being so handsome; I was melting too easily, damn it!

"A-Aren't you disgusted by me?" I stuttered, trying to keep the hope out of my voice. There was no way, right? That he would ever return my feelings?

Axel rolled his eyes, still smiling.

"Of course not, Roxas. You're my best friend. I'd never turn away from you because of something stupid like that."

Oh. So we would just be friends. It was hard to tell if that made things better or worse. Do you live out life with him hating you or being your best friend but still always being out of reach in _that way_? I looked down a bit, it being easier now that his grip on my face had loosened.

"But you don't..." I didn't need to finish. Axel looked at me for a moment, running his fingers up and down my left cheek soothingly. It felt nice and caring, and in all honesty, I had just missed him so much since he'd left. I leaned into it, even nuzzled his hand slightly, and he chuckled, leaning in to place a kiss on my forehead. I gaped at him slightly as he sat back again, smiling that kind smile.

"I've never dated a guy before...but I like you a lot, and I know you'd treat me a lot better than Larxene ever did."

Despite myself, I had to snort. "That isn't saying much. I still don't see what you saw in her."

Axel smirked at me. "You were jealous, weren't you?"

I growled and pouted, pulling away from him. He got all up in my face, teasing. "Come on. I know you were. Just say it."

After another minute of "say it!'s" I huffed loudly, fighting back a massive blush.

"Fine, you dick! Yes! Yes, I missed you! Lay off!"

He chuckled, pinching my cheek. "I thought jealousy was a women thing."

"Watch it, mister. Play this game with me, and I can guarantee this'll be a one-man relationship. I _can_ and _will_ break your joystick if you don't shut up, and t_hen_ we'll see who's the woman here," I growled, glaring to show I meant business. Axel just grinned like an idiot, wrapping an arm around me.

"Chill, kid. I was just teasing. Sheesh, no need to go and threaten me like that."

"You deserve it, you dick," I pouted, while at the same time leaning in to him more. Damn him for making me love him.

We sat there together for a couple minutes, gazing up at the stars much like we had that one night in the mountains. It was just as pretty now as it was then, and somehow I was feeling better and better all the time. Axel didn't _love _me yet, but he was willing to try. Maybe he really was bi after all, if he wasn't _that _opposed to the idea. Either that, or he was misexual, which was what I was hoping for. I wanted him all to myself; no other guys allowed. No more girls, either.

"Oh." I looked up at him questioningly. "Whatever happened to Larxene?"

Axel shrugged casually. "Dunno. I ditched her to chase after you. Told her we were through."

I leaned in to Axel more, cuddling up against his shoulder and smiling to myself. Was I a terrible person for celebrating a break up?...Maybe, but right then, I didn't care. Axel had agreed to try out being _mine, _and I liked the sound of that. Though not as much as the idea that I was _his. _Now _that_ sounded wonderful...

"So you're really gonna give me a try? Won't it be a bit weird, dating your best friend?"

Again, Axel shrugged, looking down at me fondly. "I think friends are actually the best way to go for dates. You know they care about you and you already have a relationship going. If you can date them, that's an added bonus."

"I suppose."

"Plus," he added, tousling my hair slightly, "I've always thought you were a cute kid."

I bristled at that, blushing slightly. "Am not!"

"Are too."

"Am not!"

Axel rolled his eyes and leaned down, capturing my lips before we could argue more.

"Idiot. Don't ever hurt yourself again."

I happily agreed. I felt new life and love filling me at that moment. Now that I had some purpose again, there would never be a need.


End file.
